For those not familiar with these books, I highly recommend one or both as one of the books that everyone should read. They are compelling and will almost certainly have an impact on anyone who puts in the time. I remember walking around in a haze for at least two weeks after finishing both books. I could see the whole world more clearly. Things that were once beyond my understanding now made sense. As that first fortnight ended, I suddenly came to my senses and arrived at an even clearer understanding of these magnificent works of fiction. I got (and this might be a spoiler) that everything those books proposed is completely wrong.
I have never been so completely convinced and then abruptly so certain of the opposite belief in such a short timeframe. I do not think it is merely a different viewpoint or perspective worthy of discussion. No, it is just flat out wrong and yes, I still feel that strongly. While I can agree that Ayn Rand’s work is revolutionary, I am never going to agree with Objectivism. I just know that about myself.
More disturbing than anything Rand can pen is the experience of a complete conversion to an idea that is so clearly against my belief structure. How can I trust my thoughts on any matter if I am so easy to sway? I wish I could report that my judgement has improved, but as I age, I am beginning to feel even less confident in my long held beliefs and choices. I have been experiencing an awakening as I realize how much I have allowed marketing, rhetoric and just plain deception to rule my choices.
Perhaps this is a normal part of developmental psychology and that is why marketing campaigns traditionally target consumers up to 39 years old. Perhaps, once you hit 40, your BS meter starts to really hum and you begin to realize that you maybe never really knew what you thought. If this were true, just think how utterly horrifying it would be. Oh, the things I did in my 20’s and 30’s that I cannot take back. I am not only thinking of the damage that my actions had on others, but also the damage to myself.
I am not talking about regrets. We all know we have to travel a broken road in this life. We know that we have free will and we will sometimes get it wrong. I am talking about manipulation. I am talking about the choices that I did not realize I was making. I am talking about the way we view certain behaviors as inevitable to the human experience and then we go out and indulge in those behaviors. Our society feels as if it is crowd sourced.
That I have been susceptible to this type of blind following comes as a surprise to me. I am not that person. I have advanced schooling, a higher paying job and a proven record of “sound judgement” and success. To find out that my conscious does not appear well formed is devastating. I have always tried to follow what I believe to be right. I have tried to be brave in my choices and I have made trade-offs in the pursuit of ethical balance. I see now that even when trying to be conscientious, I did not do enough to protect myself from grievous errors of judgement.
At this time, I do not know where this thought process is leading. There is only an awakening and the sure knowledge that I must do more work.
“A human being must always obey the certain judgment of his conscience. If he were deliberately to act against it, he would condemn himself. Yet it can happen that moral conscience remains in ignorance and makes erroneous judgments about acts to be performed or already committed.” CCC 1790
