Sorry, Not Sorry

A friend posted a meme recently about being sorry. It said, “Say sorry when: You crossed a boundary; you become aware that someone felt hurt by an action of yours; you were mistaken about something.” Then it listed items for which one should never apologize**. The point of the meme is that we often say sorry when there is no reason to be sorry. I should take a moment to note that many people have a hard time ever saying they are sorry. This is not about those people. This is about the people who tend to think they use the term “sorry” too often and are always on the lookout for apologies that are not necessary.

In cases where the apologies come a little too often, I have been thinking that perhaps the use of “I’m sorry” goes beyond being merely unnecessary; it may also be more damaging than we can imagine. When one apologizes to smooth a rough situation or to soften an otherwise demanding request, it is easy to see that they are actually not sorry. Saying something you do not mean is a lie. Now I, as do most of us, pride myself on my honesty and would never set out intentionally to lie, but saying I am sorry when I am not, and when I have no intention to change, that is definitely walking a line.

When I try to talk with others about this, there is often a strong reaction. “Isn’t that a bit harsh?” “Sorry is just a way of being polite, no one expects change.” These reactions originate in how we think about lying. I think most people agree that there is a time and a place for the proverbial white lie. That time and place is usually when trying to protect the innocent or to prevent unnecessary suffering. When you combine the politeness of a well-timed apology with the good intentions of the white lie, how could anyone find harm?

Well, things have a way of coming out. Mark Twain said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Sometimes our words twist back around to us and when the truth comes out, there is usually a corresponding loss of trust and some work necessary to heal the relationship. This is the actual time where one might say, “I’m sorry”. I can only hope that they actually do feel sorry and not sorry that the truth came out, but sorry about the actions that led to the prevarication.

If you spend a lot of time thinking about lying, no matter how good the intentions at the start, eventually you have to reach a place of truth. Even the little white lie can start to weigh a person and a relationship down. The start of a white lie can be that false apology that slips off the tongue too easily. In order to maintain respect, we need to be careful with our words. It’s the little things that begin the decay of integrity and the loss of trust.

**Taking up space, consuming resources, existing, expressing yourself, asking for something, asserting yourself, putting yourself first, being different, disappointing others, choosing what works for you, for saying no, for saying yes, for being happy, for being sad, for being upset, for having needs, for having feelings, for having wants, for being.

I say, Hard Pass

My son (who is currently a freshman in high school) is often the muse for my wandering thoughts. Just this week, when I asked about something I wanted him to take on, he simply said, "Hard Pass". I laughed and asked what that meant. "Hard pass is stronger than no," he explained. "It really means no."

Of course, I immediately objected by saying no means no - it is an absolute - there can not be something stronger than no. He tried to explain that no is not necessarily the end of the discussion, it is merely a negotiating stance, but I quickly cut that off and reminded him that this is how people end up in prison for rape. After our conversation, I could not forget his misunderstanding. Why would this very important topic even be confusing? We have definitely covered consent.

In business, we are taught never to accept no as an answer. Success in sales requires winning over a reluctant prospect. Likewise, persistence is valuable when going after that job you want. It isn't only business - try putting together a committee for that charity gala or getting some refreshment help at the club sporting event without a little wheedling or possibly coercion. These are just a few examples where a no is actually not a no. It means you are not going to get what you need which is not an acceptable outcome.

On the consent side, and it is hard for me to admit this, there can be times when no is actually a pretext. It can be part of flirting, misdirection, passion rising and legitimate mind changing. For worse not better, in all of these cases, no becomes the ultimate mixed message. Things get confusing and consensual events change character in the light of day and possible regret. Given that situation, perhaps we do need a word that is stronger than no.

To that I say, Hard Pass. It is better to teach people to set boundaries they mean and to honor boundaries that have been set than to keep moving the goal posts. Just like the jokes of last century that we never should have told, we can not afford to keep pushing past objections. Not in the way we do business, not in our personal lives, not ever.  We can not engage in a dance around this word. No is just going to have to mean no.

Idleness

I think people are bored. It seems like we used to struggle just to stay alive – building our own houses, making our food and clothes. Now that advances in society have made things easier, we have a lot of time on our hands. When people are bored, a certain amount of silliness ensues. Silliness in the form of reality television, extreme gaming, social media, political diatribes and other activities that I would suggest are less than helpful to furthering our society and culture. Because our brains are not busy, we find ourselves enthralled by the next weirdest thing and we become part of the societal dysfunction.

I often feel sickened by the sheer amount of time and energy I spend binging on Netflix series, checking my social media, planning or dreaming about the next vacation and generally just zoning out. Of course, during each of these activities, I am not being active. I am usually eating more and perhaps, drinking too much. When I overindulge in food and drink, I wake more tired and feel less like doing things. It becomes a bit of a cycle.

As humans, we are entitled to rest (at least one day per week), but when a reasonable amount of rest becomes slothful***, I think we have moved past entitlement. Part of the disconnect in today's society is that the concept of rest has changed. In the past, rest and leisure meant stopping work and making time to cultivate familial, cultural, social and religious lives. It was active! It was in community with others. It did not mean going alone into one’s home and interacting mainly through screens. I am not saying everyone is doing this, but I certainly can be guilty of doing it and thinking that it is a fruitful rest.

It is a fact that we are more sedentary than ever in our working lives. When you start out sitting, the laws of motion imply that you will remain sitting. We have to actively cultivate movement into our days. This is hard, because the first outcome of moving is feeling more hungry, more tired and perhaps more sore. This does not feel like progress. If you respond to the tired by going to bed earlier and getting up and moving even more, eventually movement will be easier.

All of which leads to a better quality of life. We all know we feel better when we are able to participate. Over the last few years (yes, it has been a process), I have been implementing more movement in my life and I am truly experiencing the benefits. I have friends who have started saying, “Yes” to movement and doing more and they too seem happier and more active. Since I started moving, I have enough things to keep me busy that I can no longer agree to working extra hours and I find myself able to stay active even when I am waiting on others. I fall into bed most nights ready to sleep.

I realize this is starting to sound like an infomercial for a miracle drug. That is because it feels somewhat radical. If you are feeling bored, I encourage you to start adding in some interests. Start small by saying yes to activities with others. Go even if they are not your particular cup of tea. Just get out and get used to being with people. Try to find something that can travel around with you (i.e. a book, a journal, some needlework or a camera). It may take a while to build up your activity level, but once you do, before long you will see benefits. Remember that it is true what they say – idleness is the devil’s workshop.

*** As one of the seven deadly sins, sloth needs monitoring. Watch for these characteristics in your own life:
“Sloth is an inclination to idleness or at least aimlessness, to apathy in action. At times, this is a morbid disposition due to poor condition of health. More frequently, it is a disease of the will, which fears effort and recoils from it. The slothful want to escape all exertion, whatever might interfere with their comfort or involve fatigue. Like the real parasite, they live on others to whatever extent they can. Tractable and submissive as long as no one interferes with them, they become surly and peevish when one would rouse them from their inaction.” (The Spiritual Life, Tanquery # 884)

Eggs

It is no secret that eggs contain a lot of cholesterol. The recommended daily intake of cholesterol is less than 300 milligrams. One large egg has around 187, or almost two-thirds the daily amount. I never eat just one egg.

I also do not have high cholesterol. At least no one has asked me to be concerned about it at this time. Given my family history though, it does feel inevitable that my cholesterol will eventually spike and need management.

I know it is not a sign of perfect mental health to worry about something that does not yet exist, but I really like eggs. Eggs have been my go-to food since middle school. I would come home starving and fry up two eggs, spread a miracle mayo substitute on toasted bread and chow down. I still love fried egg sandwiches and now, in recent years, scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and a little hot sauce. To me, eggs taste good at any hour of the day.

The truth is the research on eggs is mixed. Eggs are high in cholesterol, but you could argue that it is the “good” cholesterol, as they are not a major source of saturated or trans-fat. They are also high in protein and Vitamin D, which makes them great in many cases. A simple Internet search for “egg cholesterol” will produce a myriad of conflicting advice. In my search, I found three articles written in the same year on one site (WebMD) that had different conclusions. When I am unable to get clear guidance on a question, I tend to think about my specific circumstances (i.e. family history) and make a decision from there.

Recently, I decided that it might be time to try liquid egg substitutes. These cartons of all white egg liquid is a substitute for fresh eggs. I selected Lucerne Farms 99% Egg Products, which is the same brand of egg I normally purchase. I checked the nutrition information on eggs vs. liquid eggs in a scramble of two eggs, whole milk, shredded cheese, onion, salt, pepper and hot sauce.

The first thing to keep in mind is that this meal is high in sodium at 30-40% of the daily-recommended amount either way. On the promising side, the egg substitute has 40% less calories, 63% less fat and 95% less cholesterol (zero from the substitute, but the same amount from the milk and cheese). Unfortunately, there is also 12% less protein and around 20% less Vitamin D, Iron and Calcium in the egg substitute, but it has been fortified with other things such as A, E, B6 and B12. Overall, the substitute appears generally healthier but with a slightly different mix of vitamins and minerals.

The first time I tried to scramble the liquid egg, it tasted, well, bad. The consistency was reminiscent of curds – small and mealy. The second time was a little better, but by the third time, I was increasing the milk, adding in additional flavor in the form of white onions and cooking it for almost double the time. This time I thought it tasted very good and I was congratulating myself on proactively taking on the cholesterol challenge as it relates to eggs.

The next day, I went for lunch with a friend who suggested we eat Moroccan food. I ordered a lamb tagine and for reasons no one can fully explain to me, it came with two fried eggs. They tasted AMAZING. This is likely in comparison to my recent liquid egg consumption, but maybe also because of the fresh Moroccan spices. It is hard to tell, but the day after that, I tried to repeat my successful liquid egg scramble and it was okay. Not nearly as good as I remembered.

A wise friend, who has had to adjust her diet for medical reasons over the years, once told me, “If you are going to change your diet, change your diet.” She explained that by trying to have the same foods you love in a way that is inadequate, you can only end up disappointed.

I guess I can either continue to eat eggs until someone tells me it is a problem or I can switch to liquid eggs, add copious flavor and get used to their taste, while being very careful to avoid the real thing. Since I eat other things that have eggs (i.e. baked goods), giving up eggs altogether does not seem likely. It does feel good to eat a better version when possible and there is nothing wrong with getting a little onion, hot sauce and cheese in your breakfast. I am going to try adding spinach next time to reclaim some of that lost iron and calcium.