Abstinence and Free Will

A colleague's son is considering attending college at the University of Utah. She was talking about a strange cultural problem he might face. Her niece, who attends Utah State University, couldn’t find anyone to date. "The men are all Mormon*** or alcoholic." Since I grew up in Utah and attended the University of Utah, I had some insight.

Utah culture, like other communities that house a dominant religion (the Bible belt comes to mind), is a yen and a yang. One part of the community practices abstinence in a number of areas, while others visibly scramble to avoid any association with the first part by practicing the opposite of abstinence. This plays out in a weird circular thought process. It goes like this: all gambling addicts gamble. If you never gamble, you never become addicted to gambling. It is better never to start gambling. If you start gambling, you cannot go back to a place where you did not gamble. You have already gone too far. You might as well gamble all the time.

It is easy to see that this logic, which clearly misses some steps, can lead to problems. By shutting down all access to certain behaviors, society appears to be trying to address a worst-case scenario - addiction (and other deviant behaviors). The possibility that you might be able to gamble once or even more than once and not have it be a problem is a risk not deemed worth taking. Only full abstinence will do.

This can leave those who try something and experience enjoyment without problems in a bit of a quandary. They could respond by fulfilling the worst-case expectation or they could decide that the ones enforcing abstinence are not being truthful. In either scenario, they are out of harmony with their community and they will be looking for an alternative.

Unfortunately, the opposite of abstinence, which is the radical acceptance of all desires, can be just as extreme and in many ways, just as damaging. In this approach, there appears to be no self-regulation or concern for consequences. As you can imagine, it is not ideal for people to begin making choices that are free of consequence, especially around the pursuit of pleasure. It leads to the dichotomy that my colleague’s niece was describing.

Because of my upbringing and the people I am close with, this topic continues to come up in social media and other areas of my life. The viewpoints always seem extreme – someone is either trying to dictate behavior or trying to push radical individualism. Both sides seem to ignore the obligations that adults living in community have to each other. Those obligations are simple – each individual should set boundaries, practice self-control and demonstrate respect for others. If we are all trying to do these things, then the details of a person’s lifestyle should not be subject to public inspection. There will be times when someone may question whether another person is participating appropriately or needs correction, and in those times, our society asks us to turn to our social justice systems for guidance.

That is what works for our secular community, but we seem unable to apply a similar framework to our communities that have a strong religious presence. This is concerning because religion can often help instill good habits and encourage positive community behavior. It should be a welcome addition to our society and not a casualty of itself. I believe that religion is most effective when it stops trying to exert control and instead commits to following a few basic commands - "Do not kill; do not commit adultery; do not steal; do not bear false witness; honor your father and your mother; and love your neighbor as yourself."

When we stop being supportive of and instead, try to dictate the rules for following these commands, we not only cause societal stress, but more significantly, we risk encroaching on the grace that is free will. This is a line I do not feel called to cross and I caution others to be careful with it as well.

Additional reading: Pastor Joe Thorn of Redeemer Fellowship in St. Charles, Illinois has written a wonderful article called A Theology of Wine at the site, Doctrine and Devotion, which takes a deeper look at some of the ways religious interpretation might cause the disconnect I am hoping to address.


***”Mormon” refers to a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. This term is not preferable, but its use persists in casual conversation.

Turning 45: Becoming

I do not feel my life lacks meaning, but if you ask for evidence, what can I say? From where I stand, so much of what I have done is unremarkable. I did not pursue that high-level corporate job. I did not influence large groups of people through my service. I did not make things better for women. I just wake up every morning and I do the things that have become my day.

Yet, against all odds, I find joy.

The joy I find is no picnic. It demands that my search for happiness be oriented on my inner nature. I have to work to become the person I must be - not the person I want to be – the person I am supposed to be. I have to discover why I even exist. I have to find my place in relation to others. I have to reach past my own experiences into the collective and seek to understand the things that drive me. The things that are outside my individual self and that make me human. Then I have to accept responsibility to respond and act in accordance with those things. Whether I want to or not.

When things are not going well, the demands of this joy require that I start figuring out how I got myself out of alignment. I start working the puzzle that puts me back in harmony even if things stay hard or if things are unfair. Even if it means stepping back and letting someone else take the lead. Even if it means stepping up in ways I find uncomfortable.

The joy I find does not reflect the way I know the world. It is increasingly apparent that the image of life we embrace is one that suggests life and its goods should be accessible to all. This seems to make inevitable a certain individuality and an excessive desire for created items and experiences. I believe that the outcome of this life image – one I chased for so many decades – one that seems based in marketing for the sole purpose of increasing sales –is why we experience wealth disparity, social injustice, deadening of the senses through electronic and pharmaceutical means and an increase in atrocities. It leads us to face a reality that we can only live with by drowning ourselves in the idea that even though others are hurt, we are entitled to this sort of life.

The joy I find has shown me a different path. A path where my husband constantly says, “We have a good life.” He says this repeatedly, and for a long time, I fought him on the details of that truth. One day, I just submitted to it. I realized that we do have a good life. I was able to look past my own expectation to see a life that is not about circumstances and things. It is about how we relate to others, how we support and help each other. It is about how we become the people we are supposed to be.

In Confessions, St. Augustine writes, “[Love] is the goal; that is why we run... and once we reach it, in it we shall find rest.” When I read these words, I realize that love is really the only image of life I ever needed. The human experience is about love. Love of ourselves and beyond that, an intense love for one another. When we do not contribute to that love, we do not find happiness. We do not find joy.

I am not yet successful in living out this love, but this week I turn 45. There is time to improve and there is time to love better. We have a good life and in it, I find joy.