The Squeaky Door

There is an old saying that the squeaky wheel gets oiled. I know the saying is old because I said it last night at the dinner table and my teenage son looked at me as though I was talking crazy. Of course, I immediately repeated “the squeaky wheel gets oiled” and then I muttered under my breath, “but not the squeaky door”. My husband noticed my muttering and asked what I meant. Both my son and I looked at him in surprise while he insisted that he had no idea that there was a squeaky door in our house.

The door to the bathroom in the hallway has been squeaking for months. A long grinding squeal causes a wince every time the door is used. You imagine the whole world now knows where you are and what you are doing. My son jumped up from the table, ran down the hall and repeatedly opened and closed the door until we were all painfully aware of just how horrible squeaking can really sound. My husband swore he had never noticed the noise and he got right up and fixed it.

When he returned, he mentioned that if we needed something fixed, we only had to tell him. I told him that I had not asked him to oil the door because I did not want him to feel like he is the handy man. I know he takes great pride in caring for our family and our house. I also know that he will get to all the things when he can, but I had not realized that he had never noticed the squeak and I do not like to “nag”. I also think that I, as a capable twenty-first century woman, should be able to fix a squeaky door on my own. I felt like I was being nice, patient and loving by not asking him to fix a door that I could just as easily fix myself.

One has to wonder if I was actually being nice or if there is something else going on there. I do recall having some uncharitable thoughts about how long it was taking to get this door fixed. As evidenced by my under the breath muttering noted above. If we are being truthful, I should add that even though I could definitely fix the door if I had to, I never really planned to do it.

In reality, the door was squeaky for so long because I expected my husband to notice and fix it. I did not think I had to participate in a squeaky door and I treated him as though he were actually the handy man. Fixing a door is a small matter and yet I somehow managed to turn it into a relational disconnect that I carried around for months. Because it is minor, this is not likely to leave a deep wound on our marriage, at least not by itself. It is a cut and one so innocuous that I almost missed it. How many more have we already endured over the years? Moreover, how many more can we take?

Alcohol Moderation

I practice alcohol moderation. I say this with some trepidation because talking about alcohol can be tricky when we know that alcoholism is a disease that harms people. However, I have found myself open to the possibility that not everyone has the disease. Some people find themselves in a situation of over consumption through habit formation, social pressure and other factors. For those impacted by alcoholism these views may be hard to consider. For me, I can only speak from personal experience.

At this time last year, I was drinking too much. I was aware that it was too much, but I had a horrible job and I was able to easily justify my consumption. Then I quit the job, and my drinking stayed the same. With no reason to support the intake, I decided to do Dry January – a month of not drinking to start the New Year. The first three days were so much worse than I could have imagined. It was not that it was so hard to not drink - I quit smoking a few years ago and can now power through a few days of anything – it was that not drinking was very hard on my body. The withdrawals were terrible, surprising and a little scary - you read on the internet that sudden withdrawal can actually cause death. Luckily, I did not die.

As January progressed, I kept a small notebook journal of my experience. By the end of the month, I realized that I have never formed my own opinion on alcohol consumption. I grew up in an environment with an abstinence mindset and I married into an environment that practices radical acceptance. These two extremes revealed themselves in my pendulous behavior between excess and abstinence and I decided I could not restart drinking until I had a better understanding of why I was at risk for over consumption.

In order to address this situation, I adopted a measured approach. I wrote up lists of all the times, the feelings and the situations that had me reaching for a beverage and I started paying attention to how often my lifestyle behavior was “alcohol centric”. Once I prepared my lists, I carried them around until I felt sure that they were complete and reflective of the times that I really did want to drink. After all that study and time, it became apparent that either I had to learn to moderate my drinking or I had to quit altogether. The way I was living was not going to be an option going forward. Since I was not ready to quit altogether, I decided to try moderation.

I came up with a decision flowchart of when it is okay to have an alcoholic drink. This chart is comprised of a series of yes and no questions designed to help me avoid some of the more mindless consumption activities that I had identified. I worded the questions so that every time I said yes, I hit a dead end. The result is that I have to say no seven or eight times before the path leads me to say yes to a drink.

All of that may sound like too much obsessing over alcohol, especially for those who are pro-abstinence. It may also be moot as I may have to quit anyway, but I do have some reasons for hope. One, I observed that our society really does push us not so subtly to over consume alcohol. When I was not paying attention, I was susceptible to that pressure in a way that I think I am better equipped to now navigate. Two, I did not do this by myself. I used guidelines from an online group that provides advice and support for those trying moderation. Three, drinking for me is different from smoking. Yes, I can drink too much, but I never in a million years would try to moderate smoking. I know that I cannot have even one cigarette. I learned that from twenty-two years of trying to quit. It is not how I interact with nicotine and this feels different.

Around mid-March, I completed my process and felt ready to put it all into action. I tweaked a few things over the first few weeks and for the most part, it is working. I feel like I am building positive character muscle as I learn to moderate how I consume alcohol. This mindfulness is also paying dividends in other areas including food and social media consumption. I do not know what the future holds, but after seven months, I can report that at first, I was thinking about it all the time and now, it just seems like less of a thing. I no longer drink too much. I practice alcohol moderation.

A Testimony

A family member shared the news of her religious transition this week and I felt a deep sense of sadness. My reaction is unexpected given that I have traveled the same path she is taking. It should not bring up sadness to see her on that path. Nevertheless, it does. Every time another family member breaks with the dominant culture, my first response is “how sad”. Others think I am crazy as their response is to cheer another “sheep” escaping the “cult”. I then have to do a conscience check to see why I am feeling sad – am I worried that my much earlier defection is a contributing factor to this latest change? Am I truly concerned about the family member or is it more about preserving harmony for others who are negatively impacted? I cannot be sure that I know how to be fully honest in answering these questions, but I do try to come from a place of humility.

In many ways, staying within the warm embrace of your family culture is a happier place. So many people think that giving into the call for a different understanding is the easy way out, but for those who have traveled that path; for those who truly care about others; it is not that simple. In addition to dealing with the hurt feelings of those you love, you have to address your personal belief structure. You can end up spending so much time on the ending that you may forget to plan for what comes next. Kids need a moral foundation. Where does that come from when parents do not unite in faith? All humans need a strong foundation to draw on. Going forward, how will you find hope?

If I were to bring up these thoughts as arguments for or against a belief structure, that would be unwelcome and uncharitable. That is not my intent. I mention these thoughts because they are considerations that I had to resolve in my own path. I found that when one spends their life in a very structured framework, it is that much harder to figure out how to navigate and successfully resolve life’s everyday situations. We simply are not equipped to go it on our own. It is like reverting to childhood, starting the whole learning process over and remaking oneself. Without all the family support that was available the first time.

I also keenly feel the two decades I lived without the knowledge of God’s true love. Because I was running so hard and so completely away from something, I forgot and ended up abandoning the one thing that is never changing. I wasted so many years and inflicted so much casual harm on myself and others. All because I thought cultural religion and true religion were the same thing. I recently made the case that my fumbling over these past few decades was the result of my susceptibility to external messages. Yes, the marketing machine is real and it is insidious, but I see now that I also have to accept responsibility. I allowed myself to forget about God. I allowed myself to believe that He was not there every single step of the way. I suppose I needed all those experiences to be more understanding of other people or maybe because I am so very stubborn, but I wish I had been a more efficient learner.

I am realizing it is not the change that saddens me. In fact, I deeply believe that the truth lies in a place that is not in evidence in the dominant culture. Therefore, the change is most certainly necessary. What makes me sad is the almost certain years of distraction that come from the change. It is all of the wasted time, the loss of spirituality and the lack of true joy. It is misplacing the reason to have hope in a world that challenges us every single day.

Because this change is so hard, many people end up embracing a militant atheism. As I grieve for that perspective, I remember that my son recently reminded me that all paths, even the atheistic one, are paths to God. As I contemplate that thought further, I pause to thank God that my son has found a profound belief despite my inconstancy in these matters all these years.

I have said this before, but it bears repeating - “[Love] is the goal; that is why we run: we run toward it, and once we reach it, in it we shall find rest.” (St. Augustine, Confessions)

Let Your Conscience Be Your Guide?

When I was a freshman in college, Ayn Rand started making the rounds at the dorms. In the 1900’s, before everything was digital, we had to pass around actual books and I recall reading both Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. Since dystopian fiction is once again having its day in the sun, I have been remembering this experience of three decades past: eighteen-year-old women, away from home for the first time, tearing through thousand page sagas.

For those not familiar with these books, I highly recommend one or both as one of the books that everyone should read. They are compelling and will almost certainly have an impact on anyone who puts in the time. I remember walking around in a haze for at least two weeks after finishing both books. I could see the whole world more clearly. Things that were once beyond my understanding now made sense. As that first fortnight ended, I suddenly came to my senses and arrived at an even clearer understanding of these magnificent works of fiction. I got (and this might be a spoiler) that everything those books proposed is completely wrong.

I have never been so completely convinced and then abruptly so certain of the opposite belief in such a short timeframe. I do not think it is merely a different viewpoint or perspective worthy of discussion. No, it is just flat out wrong and yes, I still feel that strongly. While I can agree that Ayn Rand’s work is revolutionary, I am never going to agree with Objectivism. I just know that about myself.

More disturbing than anything Rand can pen is the experience of a complete conversion to an idea that is so clearly against my belief structure. How can I trust my thoughts on any matter if I am so easy to sway? I wish I could report that my judgement has improved, but as I age, I am beginning to feel even less confident in my long held beliefs and choices. I have been experiencing an awakening as I realize how much I have allowed marketing, rhetoric and just plain deception to rule my choices.

Perhaps this is a normal part of developmental psychology and that is why marketing campaigns traditionally target consumers up to 39 years old. Perhaps, once you hit 40, your BS meter starts to really hum and you begin to realize that you maybe never really knew what you thought. If this were true, just think how utterly horrifying it would be. Oh, the things I did in my 20’s and 30’s that I cannot take back. I am not only thinking of the damage that my actions had on others, but also the damage to myself.

I am not talking about regrets. We all know we have to travel a broken road in this life. We know that we have free will and we will sometimes get it wrong. I am talking about manipulation. I am talking about the choices that I did not realize I was making. I am talking about the way we view certain behaviors as inevitable to the human experience and then we go out and indulge in those behaviors. Our society feels as if it is crowd sourced.

That I have been susceptible to this type of blind following comes as a surprise to me. I am not that person. I have advanced schooling, a higher paying job and a proven record of “sound judgement” and success. To find out that my conscious does not appear well formed is devastating. I have always tried to follow what I believe to be right. I have tried to be brave in my choices and I have made trade-offs in the pursuit of ethical balance. I see now that even when trying to be conscientious, I did not do enough to protect myself from grievous errors of judgement.

At this time, I do not know where this thought process is leading. There is only an awakening and the sure knowledge that I must do more work.

“A human being must always obey the certain judgment of his conscience. If he were deliberately to act against it, he would condemn himself. Yet it can happen that moral conscience remains in ignorance and makes erroneous judgments about acts to be performed or already committed.” CCC 1790