A family member shared the news of her religious transition this week and I felt a deep sense of sadness. My reaction is unexpected given that I have traveled the same path she is taking. It should not bring up sadness to see her on that path. Nevertheless, it does. Every time another family member breaks with the dominant culture, my first response is “how sad”. Others think I am crazy as their response is to cheer another “sheep” escaping the “cult”. I then have to do a conscience check to see why I am feeling sad – am I worried that my much earlier defection is a contributing factor to this latest change? Am I truly concerned about the family member or is it more about preserving harmony for others who are negatively impacted? I cannot be sure that I know how to be fully honest in answering these questions, but I do try to come from a place of humility.
In many ways, staying within the warm embrace of your family culture is a happier place. So many people think that giving into the call for a different understanding is the easy way out, but for those who have traveled that path; for those who truly care about others; it is not that simple. In addition to dealing with the hurt feelings of those you love, you have to address your personal belief structure. You can end up spending so much time on the ending that you may forget to plan for what comes next. Kids need a moral foundation. Where does that come from when parents do not unite in faith? All humans need a strong foundation to draw on. Going forward, how will you find hope?
If I were to bring up these thoughts as arguments for or against a belief structure, that would be unwelcome and uncharitable. That is not my intent. I mention these thoughts because they are considerations that I had to resolve in my own path. I found that when one spends their life in a very structured framework, it is that much harder to figure out how to navigate and successfully resolve life’s everyday situations. We simply are not equipped to go it on our own. It is like reverting to childhood, starting the whole learning process over and remaking oneself. Without all the family support that was available the first time.
I also keenly feel the two decades I lived without the knowledge of God’s true love. Because I was running so hard and so completely away from something, I forgot and ended up abandoning the one thing that is never changing. I wasted so many years and inflicted so much casual harm on myself and others. All because I thought cultural religion and true religion were the same thing. I recently made the case that my fumbling over these past few decades was the result of my susceptibility to external messages. Yes, the marketing machine is real and it is insidious, but I see now that I also have to accept responsibility. I allowed myself to forget about God. I allowed myself to believe that He was not there every single step of the way. I suppose I needed all those experiences to be more understanding of other people or maybe because I am so very stubborn, but I wish I had been a more efficient learner.
I am realizing it is not the change that saddens me. In fact, I deeply believe that the truth lies in a place that is not in evidence in the dominant culture. Therefore, the change is most certainly necessary. What makes me sad is the almost certain years of distraction that come from the change. It is all of the wasted time, the loss of spirituality and the lack of true joy. It is misplacing the reason to have hope in a world that challenges us every single day.
Because this change is so hard, many people end up embracing a militant atheism. As I grieve for that perspective, I remember that my son recently reminded me that all paths, even the atheistic one, are paths to God. As I contemplate that thought further, I pause to thank God that my son has found a profound belief despite my inconstancy in these matters all these years.
I have said this before, but it bears repeating - “[Love] is the goal; that is why we run: we run toward it, and once we reach it, in it we shall find rest.” (St. Augustine, Confessions)
