In cases where the apologies come a little too often, I have been thinking that perhaps the use of “I’m sorry” goes beyond being merely unnecessary; it may also be more damaging than we can imagine. When one apologizes to smooth a rough situation or to soften an otherwise demanding request, it is easy to see that they are actually not sorry. Saying something you do not mean is a lie. Now I, as do most of us, pride myself on my honesty and would never set out intentionally to lie, but saying I am sorry when I am not, and when I have no intention to change, that is definitely walking a line.
When I try to talk with others about this, there is often a strong reaction. “Isn’t that a bit harsh?” “Sorry is just a way of being polite, no one expects change.” These reactions originate in how we think about lying. I think most people agree that there is a time and a place for the proverbial white lie. That time and place is usually when trying to protect the innocent or to prevent unnecessary suffering. When you combine the politeness of a well-timed apology with the good intentions of the white lie, how could anyone find harm?
Well, things have a way of coming out. Mark Twain said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” Sometimes our words twist back around to us and when the truth comes out, there is usually a corresponding loss of trust and some work necessary to heal the relationship. This is the actual time where one might say, “I’m sorry”. I can only hope that they actually do feel sorry and not sorry that the truth came out, but sorry about the actions that led to the prevarication.
If you spend a lot of time thinking about lying, no matter how good the intentions at the start, eventually you have to reach a place of truth. Even the little white lie can start to weigh a person and a relationship down. The start of a white lie can be that false apology that slips off the tongue too easily. In order to maintain respect, we need to be careful with our words. It’s the little things that begin the decay of integrity and the loss of trust.
**Taking up space, consuming resources, existing, expressing yourself, asking for something, asserting yourself, putting yourself first, being different, disappointing others, choosing what works for you, for saying no, for saying yes, for being happy, for being sad, for being upset, for having needs, for having feelings, for having wants, for being.
