My son (who is currently a freshman in high school) is often the muse for my wandering thoughts. Just this week, when I asked about something I wanted him to take on, he simply said, "Hard Pass". I laughed and asked what that meant. "Hard pass is stronger than no," he explained. "It really means no."
Of course, I immediately objected by saying no means no - it is an absolute - there can not be something stronger than no. He tried to explain that no is not necessarily the end of the discussion, it is merely a negotiating stance, but I quickly cut that off and reminded him that this is how people end up in prison for rape. After our conversation, I could not forget his misunderstanding. Why would this very important topic even be confusing? We have definitely covered consent.
In business, we are taught never to accept no as an answer. Success in sales requires winning over a reluctant prospect. Likewise, persistence is valuable when going after that job you want. It isn't only business - try putting together a committee for that charity gala or getting some refreshment help at the club sporting event without a little wheedling or possibly coercion. These are just a few examples where a no is actually not a no. It means you are not going to get what you need which is not an acceptable outcome.
On the consent side, and it is hard for me to admit this, there can be times when no is actually a pretext. It can be part of flirting, misdirection, passion rising and legitimate mind changing. For worse not better, in all of these cases, no becomes the ultimate mixed message. Things get confusing and consensual events change character in the light of day and possible regret. Given that situation, perhaps we do need a word that is stronger than no.
To that I say, Hard Pass. It is better to teach people to set boundaries they mean and to honor boundaries that have been set than to keep moving the goal posts. Just like the jokes of last century that we never should have told, we can not afford to keep pushing past objections. Not in the way we do business, not in our personal lives, not ever. We can not engage in a dance around this word. No is just going to have to mean no.
